I’m writing this a day after my, hmmm, should I call it a relapse? Hell yes! Almost two months ago I quit smoking cold turkey – I had ZERO cigarettes until two days ago. I used patches to help me through the first three weeks. As I mentioned on my Insta it hasn’t been easy and I think I overestimated what this addiction really means for me physically and psychologically. So two days ago I bought a pack of cigarettes. I was angry and felt like I didn’t have control over anything. Paradoxically I felt like smoking was the one thing I still could do because I wanted to and nobody could tell me what to do or not to do. It was a form of (very very silly) rebellion. I smoked the pack of my lovely favourite Black Devil pink ciggies over the two next days. This morning after an incredibly long and difficult consideration I put on a new patch and started as if all over again.

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Hmmm, should I call it a relapse? Hell yes!

GAWD! Six years of ‘pack a day’ – who knew it would be so difficult! The worst thing about it is that I regularly turn into a monster, usually a jealous irrational one, and people (especially bf, bless him, he’s my ultimate rock!) have to deal with me. There’s a switch that just flips and from one second to another I can’t control myself, say things I would never say normally and my mind wonders to places which are not logical nor healthy. The second worst thing is that I don’t enjoy bars and parties as I used to (in Berlin you can smoke inside). Many times it goes like this: arrive at a party, dance a bit, try not to get affected by the smoke EVERYWHERE, try not to look at the happy smoking people enjoying themselves, try super hard not to just start grabbing all the cigs from strangers’ fingers and smoking them all at once… It ends up with me getting frustrated and leaving way early.

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Well, I got myself into this shit, so I'm going to get myself out of it. If you have tips, shoot them my way, please! Will be much appreciated.

On a happier note, sewing’s going gooood! I made this combo some time ago. Love the air-conditioning for my boobs I came up with. Yes, unfinished hems is a reoccurring theme in my designs, don’t know why. I guess I like it when it looks a bit shabby, but is from a nice material. Like a juxtaposition of the two. The shearling coat, which I also made was actually inspired by one I saw in Monki. It’s an imitation of sheep shearling. And finally I managed to do the lining properly! Makes me super happy. The pearl you see under my eyebrow is a sticker, if you were wondering. Pics are by the lovely Lulu. xx

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Try super hard not to just start grabbing all the cigs from strangers' fingers and smoking them all at once…

Made by me: cut out top and wrap skirt combo and faux shearling coat

Louise Fankhänel